‪“dinner is at 4pm. i don’t like it being so late, but i’ll take a nap.” -- my grandmother regarding thanksgiving one year. plus other funs!

gratitude!

dear friends, family, fans, folks, friends again, friends forever,

i’m grateful you’re here.
thank you for being here.
as you may know, i often share a few short jokes here and sometimes longer pieces, and today, Both And More! (BAM!)

here come three gratitude-based jokes plus an exchange i had with my grandmother on social media around thanksgiving 2018 AND a rhyme:

A) is for Ask-spectations:

"did we exceed your expectations"
"no"
"what could we have done better"
"nothing, i expected you to be perfect"
"and"
"you were, thank you"

B) is for Buying things which you don’t have to do today if you don’t want to:

"you sold me a lemon!" -- someone expressing anger to a car salesperson OR someone expressing excitement and gratitude to a fruit vendor

C) is for Cheers:

‪in the UK, there should be a television program called “Thanks” which is the British version of the American show “Cheers.”‬

we did it! and now, here comes THIS:

in november 2018, i was on the phone with my grandma iris and she said this:

‪“dinner is at 4pm. i don’t like it being so late, but i’ll take a nap.”

so i posted that to social media, quoting her, and here is the comment exchange that followed (where i’ll refer to me as “ME” and to her as “I” which is short for “Iris”):

I: What is at 4 P.M.?

ME: on the phone yesterday, didn't you say that thanksgiving was at 4pm at that was later than you wanted it to be?

I: Oh I thought yours was 4 PM. Yes, mine was 4 P.M. and we didn't eat til 6:30. Got home at 9:30. Way past my bedtime. Stayed up til 11:30 and still got up at 5:30. Yuch!

ME: well, i hope you can sleep as much as you want, today and tonight and all weekend and the future.

I: I have had a good nap and I am ready to run around the block!

ME: I bet!

I: i would not bet!

ME: but you’re the one who taught me blackjack as a child!

I: But I wouldn't bet on running around the block!

ME: ooh insider information!

there’s that! and finally, here’s a rhyme that i wrote as my morning pages around this time of year in 2020:

A poem, to speak of gratitude.
For all the times that I have enough food.
For all the times that no one's rude. (Or maybe for times when someone is, and it's best that someone is rude.)
For all the shows I've done where people cheered and no one booed.
For game shows that I watched with my grandma like Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune and Family Feud.
For all all the times I just made it, and said a "phew." (For all the times I've phew'd.)
For the fact that I can pronounce things the way I want, to make "good" rhyme with "gooed."
For all the attributes with which I've been imbued.
For every ship that's been fully crewed (?).
For all the beautiful comedy and art that is or isn’t crude or lewd.
For every crossword puzzle that's been clued.
For every cue in a play that's been cued.
For every ball in pool that's been cued.
For every line that I've been excited to stand in (for every line I've queued).
For everything by Dickens like the Mystery of Edwin Drood.
For Tetris and this Tetris-like game I played in college called (did other people play this?) Snood.
For X-Men comics I read as a kid (and also some now) full of heroes and aliens like the Brood.
For rings that may or may not tell someone's mood.
For every horse that runs free from humans because it isn't shoed.
For every sneeze that's been achooed and every person that's been g'bless-you'd.
For everyone who has wanted to be wooed being wooed.
For the fact that I have never been sued.
For all the rainbows and anything that's multi-hued.
For every individual color that's ever been colored, from redded to yellow'd to blue'd.
For everything that I see clearly (?) or hopefully mostly doesn't delude.
For knowing that the word "deluge" means "flood" and the word "chimneyed" would (if it were a word) mean "flued."
For the way little kids might misapply grammar and say things like "Superman flew'd."
For every great poop that's ever been pooed.
For a new way to say "I went to the bathroom," which could be (why not) "I loo'd."
For every cow that's ever mooed.
(Imagine a meme of a cow's mood: moo'd.)
For the fact that I was born completely nude. (Can you imagine "incompletely nude"?)
For apple strudel which I call for now, you guessed it (pretty sweet nickname coming), apple strude.
For the blood that runs around my body just like how it should (pronounced "shooood.")
For every example in this poem that's been at least a little shrewd.
For every Shakespeare play that's ever been played, listed like this: Romeo and Juliet'd, Twelfth Nighted, Taming of the Shrew'd.

For this interlude.

For every truth that's ever been trued.
For every sunset that's been viewed.
For every askew view that's been askew'd.
For the fact that there's a name "Gertrude."
For everyone who doesn't illegally collude.
For all the Beatles songs, oh you want an example?, like "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." (And also "Hey Jude.")
For all the music I've played, from symphony down to etude.
For all the feelings anyone wants to and gets to exude.
For every dream that gets pursued.
For every library book that gets renewed.
For fortitude.
For every nail that's been nailed, for every screw that's been screwed.
For every arts and crafts project, for every popsicle stick that's been glued.
For ballyhoo that's been ballyhooed.
For any hello that's turned to halloo and thus has been hallooed.
For every volcano that's harmlessly spewed.
For whenever my hair has been shampooed.
For certitude.
For every taboo that's been untabooed.
For every thought that does include.
For every time I don't intrude.
For when it's quiet and the mood is appropriately subdued and you might want to seclude.
For other times when the mood is SUPERdued!
For everything you've desired to eschew that's gotten to be eschewed.
For every debut that's been debuted.
For this gratitude attitude.
For longitude and latitude.
For amplitude and altitude.
For every platitude before it becomes a platitude.
For multitudes of magnitude.
For verisimilitude and exactitude.
For rabbit food and aptitude.
For every vegetable that's been stewed.
For every barbecue chip that's been barbecued.
For all the cooing that's been cooed.
For every bird, I love that (gender neutral usage of this next word) dude.
For all the value that's been valued.
For all the invaluable that's been invalued?
For all the rhymes I've here accrued.
For every love that's been "I love you"'d.
For the fact that at the end of this line, the poem can conclude.

thank you for receiving! anything you’d like to share? here are questions:

1) how are you doing? how is your heart? what is new and good?
2) any exchanges with YOUR grandmother (or anyone) you’d like to share?
3) any rhymes for “gratitude” that i missed?
4) any gratitudes you’d like to share?
5) how are you doing NOW? much love to you and yours and all.

and finally, here are some standup dates i’ve got coming up PLUS a really fun poster that mckinley cox made out of delightful mindy tucker photo of me!

— Sacramento, CA on December 23
— Mill Valley, CA on December 26
— Manteca, CA on December 27
— San Rafael, CA on December 31
— Minneapolis, MN on January 10-13
— Des Moines, IA on January 20
— Ogden, UT on January 26-27
— Lafayette, LA on April 18