happy birthday to my grandma iris who i love very much and maybe is the reason i'm a comedian even though she would have preferred i be a doctor

an iris archives bonanza!

dear friends,

i’m grateful that you are here.
today is my grandma iris’s birthday.
she would have been 94 today, so in her honor, i’m going to share 94 memories of here ¹. please enjoy!

A) a classic phone call between us from march 2019:

GRANDMA: it’s always nice to hear your voice
ME: i feel the same
GRANDMA: good because one day soon you won’t be able to
ME:
GRANDMA: you’ll call and i won’t answer and it will be because i’m dead
ME: or you just didn’t hear the phone ring?
GRANDMA: or that, yes

B) another phone call from january 2020:

“i’m happy to hear your voice, i love you dearly, and i always read all the garbage you post on facebook” — my grandmother on the phone just now

C) she loved playing scrabble on facebook, and sometimes the system would go down and she would calmly make requests for it to be fixed, as such:

‪“Facebook Administrators: I am 90 years old and need my scrabble on Facebook. HELP!” — my grandmother‬

D) in april 2020, about a month after she died, i had this thought:

My grandmother has graduated from this plane of existence, but I still feel her presence, I still love her, I still think about her, just everything except talking to her.

But also I CAN talk to her. In a similar way to how Dr. Dolittle can talk to animals because that part is not the impressive thing. Anyone can talk TO animals. I can talk to a tree. I can talk to a mountain. I can talk to anyone or anything. I can talk! (Did you know?)

The harder part is to Listen. Listen to the tree. Listen to the animals. Listen to the mountain. I can also do those things as well.

So, I can certainly TALK to my grandmother, any time I want. I'm doing it now. Hello grandmother! I love you.

And also, I can listen to her, because I can hear her voice any time I want, in my heart, in my mind, or on the podcast that I recorded with her.

E) the ending of a phone conversation she and i once had:

GRANDMA: i love you
ME: i love you too
GRANDMA: THAT'S GOOD!

and those are the grandma stories for today!
thank you for sharing in all of this, my friends. i’m glad you’re here.
do you have any memories of your loved ones that you’d like to share?
feel free to respond and i’d love to receive.

thank you to ramin nazer for this beautiful image!

also, if you’d like to see me in person, check this footnote for shows i’ll be doing this week and next month.²
thanks for being here and there and everywhere.
much love, friends.

PS here is a bonus grandma story that i call “lord of the rings: iris’s journey”

i may have shared some of this before, but i love it so much and want to offer it here again, to all who may enjoy. my grandma loved to read, and around september 2018, i gifted her the first lord of the rings book, and she started reading it and reporting back to me how she felt about the experience. here are some dispatches from that journey (one here, the rest in the footnotes below):

9/8/18
my grandmother just started reading “the fellowship of the ring.”
she’s on page 48 and just asked if it gets any better.
“hobbits?” she says.
“fake people?”
“yes,” i respond.
“fiction. fantasy.”
“ah, fake fake. i don’t know if it’s for me,” says she.
but she soldiers forth. ³

PPS and one final bonus

i shared this post about sunscreen on facebook in 2017:

the tan commandments:
1) thou shalt get some sun
2) thou shalt wear sunscreen
3) thou dost not have to do these things actually

my grandmother responded very strongly with her thoughts about sunscreen. for context, she worked for nearly 40 years as a nurse for a dermatologist’s office.

enjoy! much love to you and yours (especially grandmas) and all!

1. maybe not exactly 94. maybe 9 - 4. so, 5. yes, 5 or so. that’s how many i’ll share.

2. — WED 12/14 in NH: i headline the Shaskeen in Manchester, NH!
— THURS-SAT, 12/15-17 in BOSTON AREA: many shows via Duck Duck Goofs!
— FRI, 12/16 also in BOSTON AREA: Zone 3 in Allston!
— FRI-SAT, 1/13-1/14 in KC: i headline the Comedy Club of Kansas City!

3. “sometimes i start a book and even if i can’t stand it, i can’t put it down.” — my grandmother, providing me with an experience that i myself can’t put down

UPDATE: “i’m at about 100 pages in and it’s a little better” — grandma

9/10/18

UPDATE (on LOTR and her mouse that was jamming):

"It is getting better. I read about 20 more pages when it began to improve. AND another thing. I looked at the bottom of my mouse. It was filthy. I took a little soap and washed it and I think it is fixed. it hasn't jammed since."

ANOTHER UPDATE (after she saw i was updating people on facebook):

"You think anyone cares about all this? But I am so-o-o happy my mouse is still working without jamming."

AND ONE MORE UPDATE THAT DAY:

"I read another 20 pages. It's readable. I will try to read more today."

9/13/18

UPDATE: "Page 139 and suffering thru it. I know about a ring that will make Fodor invisible. It is in his pocket. He wants to get rid of it."

9/15/18

UPDATE: “I am on page 258. getting more interesting, but I think I missed the reason they are traveling on and on and on and on.”

9/18/18

POSSIBLY THE FINAL UPDATE: "FYI I gave the hobbits goodbye. Got up to page 380 and they started traveling again. No more for me."

9/23/18

EPILOGUE: “i threw it in the garbage. i tried to give it away but none of my friends wanted it.”

10/27/18

BONUS REVIEWS I COMPILED FROM WHEN SHE WAS STILL READING IT:
"i'm gonna take the book and throw it away."
"it goes on and on about nothing."
"they're going on a trip. they're in the forest. there's black horses."
"i can't find a reason for them writing this book."

THE FINAL (?) CHAPTER OF THE MY GRANDMOTHER TRIES TO READ THE LORD OF THE RINGS BUT ULTIMATELY WANTS TO THROW THE BOOK IN THE GARBAGE SAGE:

"I gave it away. I just couldn't bring myself to throw away a book."

same here!