Steven Wright, Ani Difranco, and why libraries are the best.

You can't have everything, but you CAN have a Robert Hass quote, John Denver lyrics, and some Zen proverb action! Enjoy!

Jun 28, 2025

Dear friends,

I’m grateful for you!
Thank you for being here!
And now for another edition of my project in which I examine jokes that I have loved and thought of frequently for a long time.

The project began with a piece about one Mitch Hedberg joke and has continued with many great jokes from comedy heroes of mine.

Here is where we’ll start today:

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”
— Steven Wright

Now, I have a lot of things.
Mainly books.

Where do I put them?
Great question!

My girlfriend and I have shelves chock full of books we’ve purchased over the years, though these days I mostly get books from the library.

I like that even more.

Where do I put those books?
Back at the library, eventually.

Similarly, we rent our apartment.

A lot of people have a dream to OWN a home.
A lot of people DO own a home.
And then, who owns our homes when we die?

My grandmother owned a condo in Florida and then she died.
Which means that now, my mom owns "my grandmother's condo."

Maybe this is why people like to believe in ghosts.
I wonder if home-owners believe in ghosts more than renters.
"Hey, I paid for this place, and I'm going to stay here even after I die."

Even marriage is only "UNTIL death do we part."
Home ownership for ghosts is forever.
Owning, having, that means holding on.

But what about us renters?
Where do we put our apartments when we’re done borrowing them?
Back at the apartment library, basically.

I’m reminded of this song lyric:

"My body is borrowed
Yeah, I got it on loan
For the time in between my mom and some maggots"
— Ani Difranco in the song “Myq IQ”

Ultimately, everything is borrowed.
Our books are borrowed.
Our homes are borrowed.
Our bodies are borrowed.

So, Steven Wright is RIGHT:
You can’t have everything.
In fact, you can’t HAVE anything, not permanently anyway.

So, where does Steven Wright put his everything in the meantime?
To answer that, let’s ask Steven Wright.

“I have the world’s largest sea shell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.”
―Steven Wright

Asked and answered.

He made a great discovery.
The perfect place for it!

Where do you put all the seashells?
Exactly where they are!

Where do you put everything?
Everywhere!

If his seashell collection was in our apartment, it wouldn’t fit.
The building couldn't hold it.
It would be overflowing.

Even now, we “have” lots of things.
We rent a small apartment and it's pretty full.
If we had a bigger home, it would seem like we had almost nothing.
Or put another way, if the universe was our home (and it is), we “have” everything.

Spread it out, and it's all good.

Maybe that's what the Big Bang was all about.

Everything in the universe was crammed into one tiny home the size of a point.
Zero by zero by zero.
Zero cubed.

And eventually someone was like "LET'S SPREAD OUT."

Maybe that's what God said even before "Let there be light."

”LET ME OUTTA HERE!”

And then the big spreading out began.

All the books spread out.
All the seashells spread out.
All the everything spread out.
And it's still spreading.

Now, it’s spreading so much, a lot of the time we're like "hey come back here!"
There’s so much space.
A lot of people are lonely.

The universe is expanding infinitely which means the spaces in between everything are expanding infinitely.

Which is why connection is so important, why love is so important.

Hold on, everyone.
I love you!

There’s a John Denver song that goes like this:

”Hold on tightly,
Let go lightly"

I follow Shiv Sengupta here on Substack and he wrote a beautiful piece about those lyrics and how meaningful they are.

It’s important to hold on AND it’s important to let go.
It’s important to spread out AND it’s important to return home.
It’s important both to inhale AND to exhale.

When?
Each in its time.
Everything in its place.

But wait, there’s more!
More than everything in its place?
Yes, here are two more related quotes I like:

”Repetition makes us feel secure and variation makes us feel free.”
— Robert Hass

"Let go or be dragged."
— Zen proverb

That’s a lot of quotes, I know.
I’ll do my best to let go of them now.

I am a recovering maximalist.
In the past, I’ve wanted to collect and hold onto every great thing.
All the great quotes, all the great books, all the great everythings.

And yet, I keep learning that I cannot have everything.

I cannot remember all the great quotes and enjoy all the great comedians.
I cannot see all the great movies and meet all the great people in the world.
I cannot read all the great books and see all the great sunsets.
I cannot listen to all the great songs and get all the great hours of sleep.

The good news is, I also keep learning that I do not HAVE TO have everything.
In fact, no one can have everything, AND no one has to.

Everything has itself.

And it's all in its place.

Everywhere.

PS The other good news is, while we can’t HAVE everything, we CAN borrow a lot!

Hey Everything, can I borrow some everything?
I’ll definitely put it back eventually.
Thank you!

And thank YOU, reader, for reading all of this.
I know there's a lot here.
Where do I put it?
Here!

I hope you enjoy borrowing this for as long as you like.

And because I like to also share my own jokes, here are some of my own jokes that I’ll share with you:

A) is for A joke about a book:

”Mystery” is a genre of book.
But EVERY book is a mystery until you read it.

B) is for Book:

”I’m here at the library because I’d like to borrow a book.”
”Well, that story checks out.”

C) is for Curling:

When I found out that curling was an Olympic sport, I got excited, but then I was disappointed when I found out that it’s not short for “curling up with a good book.”

And that’s just about it for me. But what about YOU!
Here are some questions that you can answer…
A) by responding to this email
B) by commenting on this post
C) by thinking about them in your head
D) however you like!

1) How are you doing? What is new and good? How is your heart?
2) What is your relationship to owning/borrowing things?
3) Do you have any favorite books? Or other favorite things?
4) Do you have everything? Where do you put it?
5) How are you doing NOW?

Arty Har-Hars

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