Steven Wright, Thich Nhat Hanh, and Selfie Monkey!

And more! But three things in a title is nice.

Dear friends,

Thank you for being here.
I’m very grateful that you have chosen this experience today.
And now, here is the latest entry in my new project wherein I examine a joke I love, a joke that I have thought about frequently since I’ve heard it, and what it all means.

The project started with a piece about a Mitch Hedberg joke, and today’s dispatch begins with this line I love from Steven Wright who I also love:

"I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it."

Right? Wow.

Let’s start with the concept of "need" vs "want."
Humans definitely don't need cameras at all.
Why would we, when we have our phones? Jkjkjk.

For most of human history, did you know we didn't have cameras? OR phones?
And most animals NEVER use cameras.
There's this one monkey who took a selfie who's a delightful exception.

So we don't need cameras.

I'll go further and say that we don't need ANYTHING. Not absolutely.
"What about oxygen," you might say.
"What about water?" and these are great questions.

We definitely need those if we want to survive. IF WE WANT.
And to be clear, I do enjoy surviving.
It's all I've ever known (THAT I KNOW OF).
I love it. Big fan of survival.
And that's why it's been what I’ve wanted.

So within the confines of Wanting To Survive, yes, we need oxygen and water. But what if we didn't want to?
Then we don't need it!
We don't need anything!
We certainly don't need this very advanced camera.

In Buddhism, my understanding is that the First Noble Truth is basically that there is suffering and that the Second Noble Truth is that suffering is caused by craving.

So, decrease craving and decrease suffering! IT’S THAT SIMPLE!
(He said, like a late night infomercial for enlightenment.
Also, there ARE two more Noble Truths after that one, which say a lot more about how to do it. That’s how they get you! They give you the first two Noble Truths for free, and then they charge you nothing for the final two.)
For now, just know that if you don’t want or need anything, you’ll be set!

I understand that there are some Buddhist monks who have taken a vow of poverty where they only permit themselves to own four items:

1) a little broom to sweep aside bugs as they walk so they don't kill them
2) a bowl to eat out of
3) a robe to wear
4) a pair of shoes, which arguably is two things, so don't think you're getting away with that, monks! I see you! (I bet some of them have a spare robe as well, to do laundry in. Or maybe they just jump in a stream.)

The point is, these monks DEFINITELY don't need that camera.
Maybe they don’t even really NEED the robe.

I love the idea that Steven Wright got something that he doesn't need.
Because that's all of us.
Even if I grant you that we need water and oxygen (fine!), I'm looking around my apartment right now at all the things that I have and don't specifically need. Books I've already read and may never read again.
Books I've never read and may never read once.
Books that are my girlfriend's books that I'm happy for her to have.
Lots of books here. Only books, really.
We sleep on a bed of books.
We eat books.

I wrote a joke once about Black Friday, something like "It's a holiday that capitalism made up to sell more capitalisms."

There's something about capitalism.
(A reboot of a Farrelly brothers movie, where the part of capitalism was originally played by Cameron Diaz.)

There are always new phones coming out, when the old ones work fine.
Or sometimes the old ones stop working because of planned obsolescence.
PS Hey, people who are planning the obsolescence! You can stop!
Things will become obsolete even if you don't plan it!
(Another Buddhist concept: impermanence!)
And by planning all the obsolescence, you know what's becoming obsolete faster? The whole planet!

But there’s good news!
I just realized that Steven Wright doesn't say he BOUGHT a new camera.
He just says he GOT one.
Maybe it was a gift.
Maybe he made up the whole thing.
Or maybe he was saying he "got" the camera, like he really understands it.
Like, “yeah, I get cameras, man. Like this new one. It's really advanced. You don't even need it. Because it only exists as a construct in my mind with no intrinsic reality, so how could I need it?”

I just took one of Steven Wright's jokes about a real physical object and made it even more ethereal than his jokes sometimes get, as well as grounded in physical reality. Pie in the sky AND pie on the earth.

There's a quote I love:

"Keep my feet on the ground, keep my head in the clouds."

I believe it was the Buddha who said that.
Or it could have been the band 311.
It's hard to say; I've collected a LOT of quotes over the years.
I've eaten books full of them!

Regardless, this has been a wonderful opportunity for me to think about my relationship to things, to what I want and need, to delve deeply into my loftiest aspirations and to take a mental snap shot of my mind at this moment with a camera that I don’t have, discovering connections between thoughts that have never existed before. And YOU’VE gotten to experience all these delightful complications as well, receiving something like a picture of it all (close to 1000 words, at least!).

Thank you for receiving it.
It's very advanced. You don't even need it.
(Another Buddhist concept: emptiness! We’re really doing it!)

And now, because I also like sharing my OWN jokes, some of my own jokes!

A) is for Action! or is it?

A fun thing to say
at the start of a bidding war could be
“lights! camera! AUCTION!”

2) B is for Buddhism:

Thich Nhat Hanh is a Buddhist teacher who I love
and if there were an app dedicated to sharing his wisdom,
that would be some Thich-knowledge-y technology!

C) is for Cows:

There’s a story about the Buddha sitting with his monks in the woods when a farmer passed by and asked “have you seen my cows passing by here?”

The Buddha said, “What cows?”

“My six cows all ran away… I have lost everything!”

The Buddha told him they hadn’t seen the cows, and when the guy left, the Buddha said to the monks, “You’re lucky! You don’t have any cows to lose!”

Now, that basically makes my point above about wanting and needing in a MUCH shorter story (which actually came from Thich Nhat Hanh’s website, surprise! Thich-knowledge-y technology!), but you know who makes it even MORE succinctly?

Bart Simpson: ”Don’t have a cow, man.”

Thank you for receiving all of this!
And now, because it might feel good to GIVE as well as to receive, here are some questions that I will give to you, and you can (if you like) give responses!

1) How are you doing? How have you been? What is new and good?
2) What is your relationship to cameras? Or Buddhism?
3) Do you have your head in the clouds? Feet on the ground? Both? Neither?
4) Any favorite Simpsons lines? Maybe we’ll cover one in a future dispatch!
5) How are you doing NOW?

Thank you again for receiving AND giving!
You may not have needed it, and I hope you wanted it!
And now for more things you might want: my upcoming standup dates!
PS Want me to come to your area? Tell me AND them!
For now, here we are:

— NYC, NY: Psychedelic Assembly (TONIGHT, Thursday, February 13)
— Cicero, NY: The Lakeshore Yacht and Country Club (Thursday, February 20)
— Pulaski, NY: The Kallet Theater (Friday, February 21)
— Cambridge, MA: The Comedy Studio (2 Shows, Saturday, June 14)
— McKinney, TX: The Comedy Arena (Fri-Sat, July 18-19)
— Austin, TX: Cap City Comedy Club (Tues-Wed, July 22-23, link coming soon!)
— Tyler, TX: Rose City Comedy (Fri-Sat, July 25-26)
— more dates to come at punchup.live/myqkaplan and myqkaplan.com/tour

And that is all for today!
Thank you again for being here!
Much love to you and yours and all!