I love how you share your love with Rini being the best & always better & I love you 2 2 💜💜
My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke (or only one that I remember!) is that an escalator can never be broken (because then it is something else—a set of stairs)
There’s another joke of his, about the wino eating grapes, and the punchline is “dude, you have got to wait!” I think the through line of these jokes is his uniquely literal understanding of the relationship between food and time.
I met Mitch Hedberg in college in 2004. He asked the people working the show if we were interested in trying standup and I stupidly said yes. Mitch said, "tell me a joke," so I did. He replied to the joke, "I get it, you're trying to be funny." That heckle kept me from trying comedy for over a decade. It is one of the best moments in my life.
I love that your substack captures your voice impeccably.
I discovered Mitch Hedberg through a sign in my local grocery store. They have food based quotes around and one of them was "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."
I thought that was funny, so I looked him up. And man, he was funny.
To answer your questions:
1) How are you doing? How is your heart? What is new and good with you?
I mean. It's broken and scared but also staying strong I guess.
2) Do you have any favorite Mitch Hedberg jokes or Suzuki Roshi quotes?
My two favorites are "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to." I say that about so many things. And also "I haven't slept for 3 days because that would be too long." Both of those are such clever ways of just using regular words to get to unexpected places.
3) Do you have any favorite other jokes or quotes or bananas?
"Why do elephants wear green shoes?" "To hide in trees." "Ever seen an elephant in a tree? They work."
4) Any ideas of jokes with hidden profoundness I might address in the future?
A Steven Wright joke that has always stuck with me: "I saw a man who had wooden legs and real feet." It's just so weird and absurd. And the use of and instead of but always seemed so meaningful to me.
5) How are you doing NOW?
Honestly, a little better because I went out and watched some Mitch jokes and some Steven Wright bits to get the quote right.
I think of his broken escalator joke every time I see a broken escalator. There's kind of a Zen-like quality to that one, too. "Sorry for the convenience!"
I recall his delivery sometimes really hitting that "BA NA NA" in such a delightful way. I believe in poetry it's called a molossus, and it's rare and delightful in English. Might be fun to play with some spondees and molossi sometime.
1. I am good! Yesterday I felt a little tired and I took it easy and got a good night's sleep, and today I feel fantastic. It has been a productive morning and I am looking forward to indoor beach volleyball tonight. As for my heart, my cardiovascular age remains ~4.5 years younger than my chronological age.
2. Thank you for writing out the name of the album, Strategic Grill Locations. I hadn't thought of that CD in a long time, and the name brings back pleasant memories. One of my favorites is "elevator temporarily stairs," because life brings it up at just the right frequency. But I also think that is a bit of a basic answer.
The one about the belt and the belt loops is probably the best, but I also find it a little scary because hey yeah, what the hell is going on down there??
Then a special mention for when he would interrupt himself to say "aw that's joke's ridiculous," which is not itself a joke, or maybe it is!
3. “The House is valuable because it is the House. It is enough in and of Itself. It is not the means to an end.”
― Susanna Clarke, Piranesi
“They say love conquers all, you can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun.” - Warren Zevon, Searching for a Heart
4. I'm excited to see what you come up with exploring the unexpected premise genre, and maybe mixing in a molossus or some metrical play like I mentioned earlier. Or if you really want to stare into the abyss, do more that explores the belt/belt loop relationship.
5. I'm doing okay, but I still do feel a bit like your post provoked some feelings I didn't express above, so here goes.
I got married when I was 25 too! I'm still married to the same person, except of course that we are both completely different people now.
My dad always said he was never going to get old, never going to die. And he still hasn't died, but he did eventually have to admit that he got old. I think his attitude during the dyed hair years led to some poor and even hurtful life decisions though. At the very least, I would never accuse him of any flavor of enlightenment.
But you often do seem pretty enlightened! So I'm surprised that accepting mortality, both for yourself and your relationship, isn't more of a part of that? But then again, I can also see how accepting mortality could be a bad creative/career/relationship move. I know my wife isn't a huge fan. But I do think it can be really liberating, and conducive to what at least feels like enlightenment to me.
Regardless, I trust you to enjoy the good moments as they happen. At the heat death of the universe, all bananas will be frozen.
Thank you for teaching me about SPON-DEES and MO-LOS-SI!
Thank you for this quote: “The House is valuable because it is the House. It is enough in and of Itself. It is not the means to an end.” ― Susanna Clarke, Piranesi
And this one: “They say love conquers all, you can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun.” - Warren Zevon, Searching for a Heart
Thank you for sharing of your well-being! I am glad you are as well as can be.
Congratulations on your 25 years of marriage!
Regarding this: "My dad always said he was never going to get old, never going to die. And he still hasn't died, but he did eventually have to admit that he got old."
Interesting!
I once had Ashton Applewhite, an anti-ageism activitist, on my podcast, and she helped me understand the concept that there really are no such objective things as "old" and "young" but rather only "older" and "younger."
When I was 12, a 13-year-old was old.
When someone dies at 80, my 72-year-old mother says "so young!"
So, I would say your dad is oldER! But if he's still around in 20 years, the age he is right now will be younger than ever!
Regarding mortality, I do understand that of course all humans die (I mean, so far! except for all the ones that are living)!
When I said "we don't plan to die," that is technically true.
Maybe someday we'll plan to die.
But for now, we're not planning it.
We have documentation in place for such a time that it might happen, but we're not planning it.
Does that make sense?
Now, when I said my life with Rini "will never end," this is true in one sense but not all, let's say. The same way that a book can end if we finish it but the book remains, our relationship exists now and the eternal now is really all that there is. No matter or energy can ever be created or destroyed and so, our love is eternal in that sense.
Will this body, the form known as Myq Kaplan or Michael Kaplan, age and die? Probably! And also, it's shifting and changing every moment, in a sense dying and being reborn all the time, and the person I am is really just a story that we're telling and listening to, drawing imaginary lines to connect all the dots of each seemingly shifting and changing now-moment.
They say "you only live once" and I say "actually, you live infinitely, because every second can be divided into infinite fractions of a second, so maybe you only DIE once, at the end, or maybe you die every moment and are reborn and live on, so you live and die infinitely, certainly not once."
This is all to say, I have certainly thought about and examined the concept of death and my relationship to it. I accept that death is, and that acceptance is part of what life is. Maybe a lot of it!
So yes yes yes of course we will in some sense die, but also my love with Rini never will and we're not PLANNING on it.
Also, this is a funny sentence: "I can also see how accepting mortality could be a bad creative/career/relationship move"
And this one: "At the heat death of the universe, all bananas will be frozen."
Great work, and thank you as always for your kind words and attention!
See, now THIS is the enlightenment I was expecting!
I am 100% on Team Constant Rolling Deaths, so I agree with everything you say there. I will even show it to my wife maybe, although I know she doesn’t want to be convinced and that’s fine. She’ll probably enjoy the exchange anyway.
I think the only thing that was chaffing me is the implied ego that often goes along with denial of death. But celebrating the eternal beauty of a loving relationship that can and should last the rest of your life does not need to defend itself from that! I’m sure if I’d known your relationship and not just your ontology and Kool-Aid Man jokes (and my dad’s midlife crisis) it would’ve made more sense to me.
And it’s possible I’m not even 100% enlightened myself, on account of my right now pointing out I was married when I was 25, not 25 years ago! I’m 42, when I’m not inhabiting the eternal moment.
And thank you as always for being so engaging and thoughtful 🙏
His delivery was a major factor (and very unique). I often find myself trying to tell a Hedberg joke and finding it difficult to deliver it quite like he could!
I love how you share your love with Rini being the best & always better & I love you 2 2 💜💜
My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke (or only one that I remember!) is that an escalator can never be broken (because then it is something else—a set of stairs)
thank you! i love you!
There’s another joke of his, about the wino eating grapes, and the punchline is “dude, you have got to wait!” I think the through line of these jokes is his uniquely literal understanding of the relationship between food and time.
Absolutely, great point!
I met Mitch Hedberg in college in 2004. He asked the people working the show if we were interested in trying standup and I stupidly said yes. Mitch said, "tell me a joke," so I did. He replied to the joke, "I get it, you're trying to be funny." That heckle kept me from trying comedy for over a decade. It is one of the best moments in my life.
Hahaha a delightful story, thank you for sharing!
Am I understanding correctly that you DID start doing comedy a decade later?
I've dabbled in open mic stuff for fun, yea.
I love the conference call joke!!
Thanks so much!
His refusal of a receipt for a donut purchase. “I can’t imagine a scenario where I’ll be forced to prove I bought a donut.”*
“I had refried beans last night. They were so good that now I really want to try fried beans.”*
*Im sure these are not verbatim but hopefully they capture the spirit and intention of the jokes.
Absolutely, great choices! Thank you for sharing!
Tyler, Texas! I got married there (32 years now). Enjoy, and I hope you have a great tour.
Thanks David!
I'll be performing in Tyler, TX in July!
Hope you can make it out!
I love that your substack captures your voice impeccably.
I discovered Mitch Hedberg through a sign in my local grocery store. They have food based quotes around and one of them was "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."
I thought that was funny, so I looked him up. And man, he was funny.
To answer your questions:
1) How are you doing? How is your heart? What is new and good with you?
I mean. It's broken and scared but also staying strong I guess.
2) Do you have any favorite Mitch Hedberg jokes or Suzuki Roshi quotes?
My two favorites are "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to." I say that about so many things. And also "I haven't slept for 3 days because that would be too long." Both of those are such clever ways of just using regular words to get to unexpected places.
3) Do you have any favorite other jokes or quotes or bananas?
"Why do elephants wear green shoes?" "To hide in trees." "Ever seen an elephant in a tree? They work."
4) Any ideas of jokes with hidden profoundness I might address in the future?
A Steven Wright joke that has always stuck with me: "I saw a man who had wooden legs and real feet." It's just so weird and absurd. And the use of and instead of but always seemed so meaningful to me.
5) How are you doing NOW?
Honestly, a little better because I went out and watched some Mitch jokes and some Steven Wright bits to get the quote right.
Beautiful, thank you so much for sharing!
Okay but frozen bananas are great if you put some PB and chocolate on them 👀
That’s true!
I think of his broken escalator joke every time I see a broken escalator. There's kind of a Zen-like quality to that one, too. "Sorry for the convenience!"
Absolutely!
I recall his delivery sometimes really hitting that "BA NA NA" in such a delightful way. I believe in poetry it's called a molossus, and it's rare and delightful in English. Might be fun to play with some spondees and molossi sometime.
1. I am good! Yesterday I felt a little tired and I took it easy and got a good night's sleep, and today I feel fantastic. It has been a productive morning and I am looking forward to indoor beach volleyball tonight. As for my heart, my cardiovascular age remains ~4.5 years younger than my chronological age.
2. Thank you for writing out the name of the album, Strategic Grill Locations. I hadn't thought of that CD in a long time, and the name brings back pleasant memories. One of my favorites is "elevator temporarily stairs," because life brings it up at just the right frequency. But I also think that is a bit of a basic answer.
The one about the belt and the belt loops is probably the best, but I also find it a little scary because hey yeah, what the hell is going on down there??
Then a special mention for when he would interrupt himself to say "aw that's joke's ridiculous," which is not itself a joke, or maybe it is!
3. “The House is valuable because it is the House. It is enough in and of Itself. It is not the means to an end.”
― Susanna Clarke, Piranesi
“They say love conquers all, you can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun.” - Warren Zevon, Searching for a Heart
4. I'm excited to see what you come up with exploring the unexpected premise genre, and maybe mixing in a molossus or some metrical play like I mentioned earlier. Or if you really want to stare into the abyss, do more that explores the belt/belt loop relationship.
5. I'm doing okay, but I still do feel a bit like your post provoked some feelings I didn't express above, so here goes.
I got married when I was 25 too! I'm still married to the same person, except of course that we are both completely different people now.
My dad always said he was never going to get old, never going to die. And he still hasn't died, but he did eventually have to admit that he got old. I think his attitude during the dyed hair years led to some poor and even hurtful life decisions though. At the very least, I would never accuse him of any flavor of enlightenment.
But you often do seem pretty enlightened! So I'm surprised that accepting mortality, both for yourself and your relationship, isn't more of a part of that? But then again, I can also see how accepting mortality could be a bad creative/career/relationship move. I know my wife isn't a huge fan. But I do think it can be really liberating, and conducive to what at least feels like enlightenment to me.
Regardless, I trust you to enjoy the good moments as they happen. At the heat death of the universe, all bananas will be frozen.
Dear Tom!
Thank you for sharing all of this!
Thank you for teaching me about SPON-DEES and MO-LOS-SI!
Thank you for this quote: “The House is valuable because it is the House. It is enough in and of Itself. It is not the means to an end.” ― Susanna Clarke, Piranesi
And this one: “They say love conquers all, you can’t start it like a car, you can’t stop it with a gun.” - Warren Zevon, Searching for a Heart
Thank you for sharing of your well-being! I am glad you are as well as can be.
Congratulations on your 25 years of marriage!
Regarding this: "My dad always said he was never going to get old, never going to die. And he still hasn't died, but he did eventually have to admit that he got old."
Interesting!
I once had Ashton Applewhite, an anti-ageism activitist, on my podcast, and she helped me understand the concept that there really are no such objective things as "old" and "young" but rather only "older" and "younger."
When I was 12, a 13-year-old was old.
When someone dies at 80, my 72-year-old mother says "so young!"
So, I would say your dad is oldER! But if he's still around in 20 years, the age he is right now will be younger than ever!
Regarding mortality, I do understand that of course all humans die (I mean, so far! except for all the ones that are living)!
When I said "we don't plan to die," that is technically true.
Maybe someday we'll plan to die.
But for now, we're not planning it.
We have documentation in place for such a time that it might happen, but we're not planning it.
Does that make sense?
Now, when I said my life with Rini "will never end," this is true in one sense but not all, let's say. The same way that a book can end if we finish it but the book remains, our relationship exists now and the eternal now is really all that there is. No matter or energy can ever be created or destroyed and so, our love is eternal in that sense.
Will this body, the form known as Myq Kaplan or Michael Kaplan, age and die? Probably! And also, it's shifting and changing every moment, in a sense dying and being reborn all the time, and the person I am is really just a story that we're telling and listening to, drawing imaginary lines to connect all the dots of each seemingly shifting and changing now-moment.
They say "you only live once" and I say "actually, you live infinitely, because every second can be divided into infinite fractions of a second, so maybe you only DIE once, at the end, or maybe you die every moment and are reborn and live on, so you live and die infinitely, certainly not once."
This is all to say, I have certainly thought about and examined the concept of death and my relationship to it. I accept that death is, and that acceptance is part of what life is. Maybe a lot of it!
So yes yes yes of course we will in some sense die, but also my love with Rini never will and we're not PLANNING on it.
Also, this is a funny sentence: "I can also see how accepting mortality could be a bad creative/career/relationship move"
And this one: "At the heat death of the universe, all bananas will be frozen."
Great work, and thank you as always for your kind words and attention!
Love,
Myq
See, now THIS is the enlightenment I was expecting!
I am 100% on Team Constant Rolling Deaths, so I agree with everything you say there. I will even show it to my wife maybe, although I know she doesn’t want to be convinced and that’s fine. She’ll probably enjoy the exchange anyway.
I think the only thing that was chaffing me is the implied ego that often goes along with denial of death. But celebrating the eternal beauty of a loving relationship that can and should last the rest of your life does not need to defend itself from that! I’m sure if I’d known your relationship and not just your ontology and Kool-Aid Man jokes (and my dad’s midlife crisis) it would’ve made more sense to me.
And it’s possible I’m not even 100% enlightened myself, on account of my right now pointing out I was married when I was 25, not 25 years ago! I’m 42, when I’m not inhabiting the eternal moment.
And thank you as always for being so engaging and thoughtful 🙏
Thank you Tom!
I hope your wife does enjoy the exchange!
What is her name?
“And it’s possible I’m not even 100% enlightened myself”… you and me both!
His delivery was a major factor (and very unique). I often find myself trying to tell a Hedberg joke and finding it difficult to deliver it quite like he could!